While I am physically capable of balancing in inversions like Handstand and Pincha Mayurasana in the middle of the room, you will most always find me inverting about six inches away from a wall. Why? Let me be frank: I’m terrified of falling over.
Fears of falling are very common in the yoga community. But you know what? That’s not very interesting to me any more. It’s the deeper fears that have been bubbling up for me that are really interesting.
Here are a few other things that are scaring the living daylights out of me right now.
1. Losing my way. I’m scared that I won’t have the dedication or commitment or attention span to do this for the rest of my life. It sounds cliche, but before I started practicing yoga I was a different person… and I don’t want to be that person again. I know how life can change nearly over night, and I hope that nothing ever changes that takes me away from my practice.
2. Injury. The practice of yoga has made me more mindful of the little creaks and tweaks in my body. But I’m pretty scared that I’ll be injured in some way that inhibits my yoga practice. (See number 1.)
3. Finding a Teacher. I’m jealous of people who say “guruji” because I don’t have one. To be honest, I don’t know if I even want one. But how do I know if I want something I’ve never really experienced? I study with every teacher I can, and I know I can learn something from every one of them.. but I am scared I’m missing out by not having ONE teacher.
4. Being a Teacher. It’s hard to admit this here (since I really REALLY do want to teach again some day) … but .. I’m scared of leading others. I’m scared that I don’t know enough and that someone who knows more than me will call my bluff. After a couple of bad yoga teaching auditions recently, I have less confidence in my teaching abilities than ever. Yoga has helped me build confidence better than anything else I’ve ever done in my life, but when it comes to teaching… I’m just not there yet.
5. Not Being Good Enough. When people find out that I’m a yoga enthusiast, they often assume I’m a vegan who gets up at 4 am everyday to meditate… I might aspire to this some day, but I have a LOOOONNG way to go. I might never get there, but I have to keep reminding myself that yoga isn’t about some end result, it’s a process.. and a big part of the process is having compassion and understanding for everyone–especially yourself. When you’re used to being hard on yourself, that can be pretty scary, too.
Be honest. What REALLY scares you about this practice?
I feel the same way..not being good enough is my fear and although I have been practicing yoga for 5 years I still do my headstand near a wall cos I fear falling down..
Oh my, I know how you feel about the not-good-enough stuff. I'm almost done with YTT and somehow sometimes I feel like I am much less than my fellow TTs. Some of them have already beautiful things lined up and I feel I'm not good enough. Which is completely stupid come to think of it because I'll soon be teaching my own classes 2 to 3 times a week alongside my job. I'm already a cover teacher for my local teacher, so why would I feel less?
Inversions… still a long way to go, fear of being upside down on my arms, and same as Luly, I can do headstand but still feel more comfortable against a wall, while I can physically do it in the centre of the room.
Hope you regain your confidence soon, you can do it 🙂
Wow. I feel like you were talking straight to me! I have those same fears! Your post is so honest and shows how well you can relate to others… that's one of the things that makes a great yoga teacher.
My fear is always that people won't want to hear what I have to say. I still get thrilled when people tell me that I said exactly what they needed to hear. I know I have a lot of juicy stuff to share & that little fear keeps me working in the right direction.
♥♥♥
I'm teaching my last class tonight because I don't feel balanced in my life right now. I am not able to make to class for myself so I feel how can I be a good teacher if I am not able to make the time for myself. I do yoga at home, but not the same as going to a class.
Wow, you really hit the nail on the head for me..not only with some of the yoga stuff, but my life stuff as well! Thanks for such an honest post!
In regard to number 5. I totally get you. I sometimes feel like I'm a fake. I don't think I'll ever be vegan, nor do I really want to be, but it does make me more mindful of what I put in my body. Last night at yoga I felt like an imposter because I had forgotten my water bottle and bought one during the day. Nobody seemed to judge though…I hope!
I think it's good to just accept where you are at.
As Byron Katie says, "Loving What Is." What would you be, how would you feel without those thoughts?
Is it important to have just one teacher?
Could you ask to volunteer/assist with a teacher you admire to strengthen your teaching skills?
Thanks for your transparency.
Yoga is for every body. And I mean that space between every and body. Not just the vegan-meditating ones who have a guru on an ashram. Diversity is what makes yoga beautiful.
such a good, true post… and you know you're not alone 🙂
Such a great post- really got me thinking. One thing I've noticed about myself during yoga is how much I shrug off the importance of "being in the moment" or tune out teachers that talk about emptying my mind– it's been impossible so far, so I might as well let it go, right? But lately as I've pushed myself physically in my practice and started to do things I never thought I'd do- like Pincha Mayursasa- I've really started exploring what else is possible.
Thanks for this post.
A few months after graduating from my YTT, I went through a great mental battle over whether I really wanted to be a teacher. I think the nature of my YTT (an intense monthlong program at Kripalu) very much influenced my opinion. I had had so much crammed into my little brain in just 28 days that when I came home I had no idea how to process it all! In hindsight–as much as I LOVED Kripalu–I think I may have benefited more from doing a spread-out session where I would've had the time and space to let everything sink in. People said that my classes were good and they liked what I was sharing, but I never felt comfortable in the role. I felt so guilty deciding to become "just a student" again and it took me some time to overcome that mental block.
There is so much pressure to become a yoga teacher when one practices yoga–why is that?! It's not like there's a drought of yoga instructors. People who run every morning aren't debating with themselves to go into coaching track and field. It's so hard for some of us to be OK with doing something just for fun, ya know?!